Night thoughts

It is nice to give time to time again… I am writing as I am listening to the radio, worried about wasting time… as if writing in my diary was wasting time… As I write, I am listening to music, feeling the sweat on my skin, noticing the heat covering my head and my jaws, my breathing patterns, feeling one of my toes relaxing, sensing that my back is tense, my shoulder, hearing the new Prince-like beat playing over the radio, and some other sounds. I can’t identify yet - but I am starting to HEAR MUSIC again and that is priceless.

I feel that it hurts my brain and I have to go through it if I want to enjoy life more.

Once you start noticing the impact of things on your body do you have to handle the physical pain of it. It is healing. I just know it, yet it is not easy, it hurts and feels like a waste of time.

My wish is to be in a place where every moment brings more relaxation to me, notice when it doesn’t and spend enough time with myself to let it be a reason to relax more instead of tensing more. Which means feeling safe everywhere. I cannot lie to myself about it though.

Right now I am noticing that the music playing, supposed to be relaxing, is tensing myself up more. So it makes me notice how my judgement of “better” music made me more tense etc.

It’s not about giving up on yourself, it’s about reversing the instinct to protect oneself in the face of danger.

Music is nice to listen to though! And it’s so hot outside!

June-July 2021