C'est peut-être la chose la plus profonde que j'aie jamais écrite (en)

I spent my whole life living in a fantasy about myself, just as Camus describes in The Fall… and I often wonder what it’s like for other people - I was absolutely unaware of it and were I asked if it was the case for me would I have said “no” straight away.

See, all these words and expressions we use…they are not metaphors, they must be taken literally….literally… not woopeediwoopupy. And I struggle doing so - and again, I notice this sensation, this inward cynical laughter that wants to rationalize, to convince myself that taking things literally doesn’t matter.

“J’espère qu’il sait que je n’ai pas entendu les paroles de la chanson avant le jour d’apres.”

Maybe that is the devil - always described laughing - with a forked tail…this I still don’t know why, why described with a forked tail? Oh wait - I might have just understood it.

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Once you start feeling as you are alive, it is marvelous… You discover that expressions have a meaning… I am in my bed, it’s probably 3am and I recall those memories from when I was 12… I would sneak out and eat those Pim’s biscuits…when I’d let myself go to bed late without overthinking…

And then… I started feeling ashamed… and I think that was the beginning of the end, if only any of it can be fixed… All these rules I had put inside my head…

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I am aware of the demon within. And I am conscious when I see it. And I now realize it is a chance I have as I can report on it and help people understand… This thing is real! When I see it, I am not in a transe, it is more of an “in my head” mode…literally, It manifests as a demon or sometimes less latent as a judgmental face (of myself).

I believe it is good to see it. Is it naziness or awareness? Just the end of fear… And I wanna believe angels and deamons can be unified but I probably should just observe…

June-July 2021 (edited Aug2021)