Theories... (draft)

Everyone has this backward idea about love, and men don’t make love to women, they have sex with them, and everyone calls it love when it is not love. Love is the absence of control, maybe. It’s sad to say but that may be just it, this ability to be yourself without a mask to freely say who you are.

Then maybe should I have the courage to be aligned with my thoughts by publishing my thoughts and openly say: this is what I write as a secret.

I don’t write demoniac things and yet showing my true self feels so difficult. It is this head always watching always introspecting, always curious, always wondering about the human condition.

And if I write with honesty… how can I not say that I hate this woman… The temptation is high to brush it off but the deeper feeling within…is it even a feeling…yes it literally is, I feel it in my face, and as I re-write this extract on my computer do I feel it again… it’s not pretty. And that’s the beauty, sitting in my hatred for this woman relaxed my face or rather gives it the stretching it may need,

Now…the hatred for him…is next level. I feel all the muscles around my nose tensing up and I know it makes for a better release… It feels good and hot to hate him, it brings electricity throughout my whole body - and as I retype that does it happen again - '“that’s some huge poopoo” as a good South African stand up comedian would say! And it turns me on to say this without shame, without guilt of what people are going to think about it.

We all keep reliving trauma, and I am now seeing how I’m probably indulging in the exhibitionist tendencies I was denied as a child. It turns me on to write this, as it breaks the cycle of shame that I was holding onto. Hopefully I’ll come out soon… I am obsessed with this and it relaxes me to let it out… literally letting it out…

Every act of writing, every act of creation is sexual. All what human kind wants to do is to relax, because as you relax, are your sexual organs more free and the energy within you flows better.

And as I relax I feel thresholds of tension that it is good for me to catch - and as I re-type those words as well.

I stretch my brain so that I can relax it afterwards it’s quite awesome. The constant movement with yourself of stretching and relaxing, stretching and relaxing, stretching and relaxing…

July 2021